Who knew the year of no fear would turn out in the year of DEFINITELY NO FUCKING FEAR.
Mostly a lot about myself.
How much I love and respect myself.
I made a decision that was purely based on self love and self respect.
And I really don't want to dwell here on specifics, because this is a public forum but I suppose the bottom line is as follows:
I am not in the UK anymore. I am back in Boston.
I left the love of my life and now ironic it feels now to type that. I left my love, my friend, my lover, my man. I left the one who I thought was my one and I left because of real, solid shit and awfulness.
I am home though. Back in Boston. I arrived into the arms, cheering and support of my friends, who have been beyond stellar. I have been staying with different people until my tenant moves out. I have secured a job. I traveled to Aruba.
I still have a lot of work to do on processing what happened. I thought a few weeks ago that the ending was such a massive shock to my system, that maybe I am going to be just fine going forward. But ever since the job offer came in and I was able to actually RELAX for the first time, things slowly start flooding my mind. Not too much, I am not one to make myself miserable, but I can see now what we (my friends and I) have always suspected: Once I am back in my condo, in my routine, in my day to day, I will have more bad nights probably.
But part of letting go of your old life, shedding your skin, becoming anew is actually walking through that pain. I am determined to come out a better person. I was a good person going in. I didn't deserve this fucking bullshit. No one does. But I will use this time of transformation and change as a time of growth and creativity.
I am reading one book and the author challenges us to ask the following question in times of big change: What is it time to let go off?
I have been thinking about that a lot and I have come up with a few ideas.
But I just wanted to let you guys know that I am back. And I am sad today. And tomorrow I am starting a new chapter, a new AMAZING job that I am super excited about (So I hope it will be as amazing as I think it is!).
And. I leave you with what continues to be my favorite quote and really sums up what happened in my life that shit-tastic day in July:
"If someone has trouble deciding if you are worth it, remove yourself from the equation and make their decision a little easier. If someone has betrayed you,walk away in the opposite direction. Do not allow yourself to become an unwanted occupant of someone’s time. And do not, under any circumstance overstay your welcome in anyone’s heart, or life." - Author Unknown
There you have it. I left.