It seems every day I just wake up and am excited to start my day. My routine is back in place, I go to the gym, I run, I work, I go home, walk the dogs.
I am learning that you can actually go from absolutely loving and adoring someone, to NOT in a split second. I used to think that was impossible, but when what is done to you is such a huge departure from the person you thought you knew for so long, it appears to be possible. I have questioned this at length and even consulted my therapist in great detail about it. “ Do you think that I am kidding myself with my reaction,” I asked him. “It feels like, from the moment I found out what he did, it feels like he took a baseball bat to a mosquito and smashed it. And that mosquito was the love I had for him…which was much bigger than a mosquito, but you get the analogy. Is that possible or am I completely kidding myself?”
It is possible. Because the person that did whatever they did to you, are not the person you loved. So while you might have to grief the person you loved, you shouldn’t really spare much time on the asshole who treated you like you are inconsequential, like you do not matter.
The person who did this is someone I didn’t know, never met, don’t like and don’t ever want to see again in my entire life. The struggle is the “How did I not see this”. No, not what was done to me and the lying and deceiving, but the fact that someone you thought of so highly actually had that level of evilness in them. That is what I am working on with my therapist. How can you go to sleep next to someone for years and not know that they have such awfulness in them?
In the end, I suppose you never can. You trust, you believe in what is presented to you. I am not naïve and I had no reason not to trust and not to love, because I was loved back in many wonderful ways, but there was something rotten and dark, that I never knew existed and there was no way for me to know. I turned to my friends the other day, after I received an email and said “Jesus fucking Christ, did I get played hard, didn’t I?” Her respone was wonderful. She reminded me that I wasn’t the only one who was played hard. So were my friends, my family, his family and his loved one. He played all of us. He played me the hardest, but hey, at least I have a choice. I don’t have to have this person in my life and I don’t have to love him. Neither do my friends and family. We are the lucky ones.
So here we are, back in the real world. Back in a world filled with warmth, filled with people who want me, people who adore me, people who value me.
Here I am, a different person, a different woman. I always knew I was strong, but I am so proud of myself in the way I have taken control of this situation. I was on the treadmill this morning and started to get tired and wanted to quit and I looked into the faint reflection of myself in the glass window in front of me and said to myself “Come on! You can do ANYTHING. You just did the most important thing of your life this year. You realized that YOU are worth more than anyone else. And you moved in 10 days through 3 countries with two dogs. And you landed a job that seems to be wonderful so far. And you surrounded and blessed with a friend family that will never ever waver.”
And I kept running.
So here is one of the most important take-aways that I learned from this:
In a relationship, the most important person in your life remains you. You should always love yourself more than your partner. That is the only way you can ensure that you remain true to yourself.