This has been an interesting few days. Because I had to change jobs in December again, my plan to go home and see my friends in January hasn't come to fruition. Can't really take time off work just yet. At the same time, my wonderful partner just got word that he's going on an almost one week business trip to my home.
And wow, did that stir up some emotions. Twice I have started breaking out into tears in restaurants.
Then yesterday, I had a chat with one of my best friend's at home. She has a big career change happening and I am so delighted for her, but then you hang up the phone and you realize that you went from the first person to know about things, to the last person to know about things.
I know that. But I want to be there. I want to be there in the process, when my friends are going through things, talking through things, being by their side, supporting them. More will happen I am sure this year. People will get pregnant again and what not, people will change jobs, relationships will grow and some will break and I won't be there to be truly part of it. I can only watch from a distance, cheer them on, send them love and skype with them.
Of course this emphasizes that I am lonely here. Not just alone, but at times right on lonely. I have made one friend in the last year. Let's face it. When you are in your late 30s, friends just don't fall off trees. Even looking at my friends my age with kids, most of their "New" friends are through their children. We don't have any of that. It's just us and the dogs and a teenager. So my partner pretty much has to serve the role as my confidant and best friend and I have gotten extremely good at being alone, doing things alone and such.
I struggle very much with this. I have now decided that I need to get my ass home this spring, even with the new job. I have to figure something out. I have definite plans to go home in November, because I will be part of a wedding, but that's not going to cut it. I have to do something in March/April time frame.
Time to buckle down and save up more money stat.