This past weekend, I had a total meltdown one morning.
It came a bit unexpected and the reasons had nothing to do with the initial cause.
I am doing really great. I know I handled myself and this situation extremely well and I know I have more than landed on my feet.
What I didn't expect is what is hitting me now.
Christmas has always been an important holiday to me and to him. I will say we always had wonderful Christmases and I adored spending time and celebrating together, because the ex truly went out of his way to make it a special season.
Very meaningful and beautiful.
Knowing what I know now...I have now moments of the "Last year at this time..".
And not in a good way.
I mentioned before that it was played long and hard and that I found evidence of that.
So last year at this time?
I was being played.
I was being fucked over.
I was being lied to and deceived.
While we were celebrating a lovely Christmas together.
While we were giving each other thoughtful gifts.
While we were spending nights in London.
While I went out of my way to show him I loved him. Because I wanted to.
Last year at this time.
How fucking dare he screw up my memories.
My shrink thinks I am sleeping better, because I am finally coming out of the crisis mode - which would also explain some of the above thoughts.
I thought I was out of the crisis mode a long time ago, but no. Just now.
Last year at this time, I had bought him a Christmas gift he always wanted. And I had hidden it from him and he was so excited when he received.
My Christmas gift from him? In retrospect probably had guilty blood on it.
So, I had about an hour this weekend where I felt sorry for myself. Followed by a 4 hour brunch with two of my besties filled with good advice, analysis and laughter.
It will all be good in the end:-)