I love myself more than anyone else.
Many times, in relationships, we take some odd pride in thinking that “I love him more than I love myself”, almost like it is a badge of honor, like it helps us validate that we love this person so intensely and so deeply, that they matter more to us than our own self. I have done that completely in other relationshipa, but what I didn’t know was that I actually didn’t doing it in this one. I think possibly because I always felt we were two individuals who had come together in our mid-30s as two individuals and we never tried to become this "one" person, we always wanted to allow the other to be. I guess thanks to all the work I have done on myself throughout the years, thanks to deep thinking friends and even deeper thinking therapists, I had arrived at a point where I actually loved myself more than I loved him. And thank god I did.
When I hear friends say that they know people who stayed in situations like mine, I am flabbergasted. I couldn’t have imagined staying for an extra 5 minutes. This was a meticulously planned and executed web of lies and deceit over a long period of time. Much longer I know now, than I ever could have thought.
My memory is extremely clear. The second I found out, I stood in the room and I felt a shower – literally imagine a rain shower head above you – I felt a shower of colors and the colors were red, orange and yellow wash over and around me. I also felt like I was going to faint for half a second, but that’s another story. Someone has explained to me that these were my shakra’s colliding.
Yellow: Yellow is a creative colour and relates to self worth. How we feel about ourselves and how we feel others perceive us. This is the area of the personality, the ego and the intellect. Gives us clarity of thought, increases awareness, and stimulates interest and curiosity. Yellow energy is related to the ability to perceive and understand. The yellow energy connects us to our mental self.
Red: Red relates to self awareness. It is the area of survival and stability and your place on this earth. The colour red provides the power from the earth and gives energy on all levels. It connects us to our physical body. Everything that is to be commenced needs the life vitality of red.
Orange: Orange is the colour of success and relates to self respect; having the ability to give ourselves the freedom to be ourselves and helps you expand your interests and activities. Brings joy to our workday and strengthens our appetite for life! Orange is the best emotional stimulant. It connects us to our senses and helps to remove inhibitions and makes us independent and social. Source: http://threeheartscompany.com/chakra.html
Now, I was told this weeks after this happened, but read those descriptions. That’s kind of crazy, isn’t is, because those were exactly the areas of my being that were challenged in that situation. And not for a second did I hesitate. Yes, I cried. Yes, I cried a lot. Yes, I was in shock, for weeks, but at the very core was completely deeply aware and I knew that the only right thing to do is was to respect and love myself and leave. It is a profoundly powerful moment and one that I wish everyone should have in their life – hopefully in other circumstances and for other reasons. I was not afraid. I was not scared. I just knew what I had to do.